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“keegan-michael key makes a singing orange unicorn scarier than anything with teeth, i'll never recover”

“souheila yacoub holding the whole thing together while everyone around her gets shredded, respect”

“ok so everyone came in here with knives out and i get it, the marketing promised fifty scares and delivered like four, but chastain is lowkey doing real work in this. the under-the-table contortion bit from the trailer is still the best thing in the movie which is a problem when you already saw it on youtube a hundred times. i wanted the quiet creepy version where the house just feels wrong and a kid is the only one who notices, instead savage keeps slamming the jumpscare button like he's scared you'll get bored. the mcdonalds kids-zone sequence genuinely got my whole row, i heard a woman behind me say "nope" out loud. walked out going this is a 6 and then realized the back half had already evaporated from my brain by the parking lot. not the disaster the D+ makes it sound. not good either”

“the outbreak response here is basically "turn the living room into a garden and vibe to the cure" which lowkey slaps until the movie forgets it has monsters outside”

“dan stevens doing an albino german scientist voice like his life depends on it, carrying this on his weird little back”